10 Things Forgiveness is NOT.

Forgiveness is one of those things that is often misunderstood. We are commanded to forgive. And not just once, but, always. While forgiveness is a vital component of healing and growth, there are several misconceptions about what forgiveness truly means, especially in the evangelical church (at least that’s true in my and many others’ experiences).

Last week, at Celebrate Recovery, Pastor Eric discussed forgiveness and Principle 6. Principle 6 is about evaluating all our relationships and offering forgiveness to those who have hurt us. Many of us in attendance were deeply impacted by his message. I loved it so much, I knew I’d have to share it in this space. So, let’s dive into what forgiveness is NOT!

1. Forgiveness is NOT approving or diminishing the severity of the hurt that was caused or the act that was done. The healing journey is not about making light of our hurts. It’s about being honest about them. Sometimes, we need others to help us see this clearly and to point out blind spots…the truth we cannot see. Just another reason why community is a non-negotiable! When we choose to forgive someone, we need to be truthful about the offense and the pain that resulted. We cannot heal from what we deny or ignore.

2. Forgiveness is NOT enabling someone or giving them permission to continue with their harmful behaviors. Boundaries are important! It is NOT ok to allow someone to continue to cause us harm.

3. Forgiveness is NOT denying a wrong doing and/or engaging in co-dependency. No walking on egg shells just to “keep the peace.” Genuine forgiveness requires acknowledging and processing hurt feelings, not suppressing them or pretending they don’t exist. Forgiveness is facing the truth and the pain that comes with it.

4. Forgiveness is NOT waiting for an apology. Yes, apologies can help, but authentic forgiveness doesn’t require the other person to acknowledge his wrong doing. You can forgive someone who never apologizes or even someone who is no longer living.

5. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean erasing harmful memories and pretending those things never happened. We can choose not to ruminate on the hurt, but we may never really forget. In fact, often times, those painful events can serve as life lessons and growth can follow. But, the phrase, “forgive and forget” is an unrealistic and unhelpful sentiment.

6. Forgiveness is NOT ceasing to feel the pain. The pain of our loss or hurts may never go away. It’s like the cycle of grief. It can come in waves. Some sins have life-long consequences. Some sins can cause ripples of pain or grief that last an entire lifetime. When someone continues to feel pain from a hurt, it does mean she is holding onto an offense or is embittered. It just means, its effects are deep and acknowledged…like a scar, it’s always there.

7. Forgiveness is NOT a one time event. Forgiveness is not a once and done. That would be grand, but it is actually an ongoing process. It takes time to work through hurt feelings and reach a place where genuine forgiveness is possible. Furthermore, rushing this process can lead to superficial results, i.e, not true or authentic healing.

8. Forgiveness is NOT neglecting justice. Forgiveness does not mean removing consequences or accountability. Someone can face the natural or legal consequences of his actions while still receiving forgiveness. If you’ve been around Celebrate Recovery, you’ve probably heard many testimonies that include a person hitting rock bottom – experiencing the natural and/or legal consequences of his behaviors, which ultimately leads him to Jesus and therefore, transformation. In fact, I’ve heard many people say, as hard as their rock bottom was, they wouldn’t trade it for anything because it was there that they met Jesus and finally surrendered. And, that place marked the beginning of new life.

9. Forgiveness is NOT equal to trust. Sometimes trust can never be regained. This is especially true if the offender is not repentant and remorseful. Trust is something that is EARNED and REPAIRED over time. It is not automatic when someone chooses to forgive. That’s just wisdom.

10. Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation. Reconciliation may never happen due to the type of harm that was caused. You can forgive someone without restoring the relationship. Does the offender continue to engage in harmful behaviors? Perhaps he is incapable of healthy relationship. Some consequences may never be repaired. In those cases, maintaining healthy and wise boundaries means not engaging with those who have hurt you, even after forgiving them.

Jesus commands us to forgive, yet the decision is still ours to make. I think He commands us to forgive because it heals US. Holding onto resentment often hurts us more than the person who has wronged us. Forgiveness is a crucial component to healing and growth. Understanding what forgiveness is NOT, helps us approach it with wisdom. It’s part of a personal and spiritual journey that looks different for everyone. I encourage all of you to check out a Celebrate Recovery near you. We all have hurts, habits, or hang-ups to work through. Celebrate Recovery is a life-saving and life-giving ministry that can equip you with tools to navigate your own healing journey with Jesus.