INTRODUCTION

I’ve been blogging off and on since 2012. Mostly off.

I loved my family, loved to bake, and had deep thoughts to share. Before I knew about the Pioneer Woman, I was told I was a version of that—a woman juggling motherhood, family, and creativity. But beneath the surface was a reality I couldn’t share: marital dysfunction, deep pain, and the exhausting work of keeping everything together while slowly falling apart.

If you’ve ever felt stuck—knowing something needs to change but unable to move forward—this story is for you. Because it took me years to realize I wasn’t just tired or overwhelmed. I was stuck in grief, unable to heal because I was still protecting a dream that had died long ago.

THE SURVIVAL YEARS: HIDING DYSFUNCTION BEHIND A DREAM

Working full time, running a business, caring for my kids, making meals, doing all the housework, walking on eggshells to keep the peace—and yet completely isolated. I didn’t share my deepest hurts with anyone. It was embarrassing. I felt the need to protect the dysfunction, to protect my marriage and family.

When you’re surviving domestic violence, you become an expert at pretending. At making everything look fine from the outside while your soul slowly withers from the inside. I managed to write an e-cookbook during those years and even hired a web designer to revamp my site. But I couldn’t sustain it. How could I create when I was using every ounce of energy just to survive?

The truth is, there wasn’t much left over for creativity. For dreams. For me.

WHEN SURVIVAL LOOKS DIFFERENT

In 2019, I separated. I felt excited about the possibility of freedom, but I entered into a different kind of survival mode. The exhaustion didn’t end—it just changed shape. And if I’m honest, I wasn’t ok. (That’s a story for another time.)

By 2022, I was remarried and working on giving my cookbook and website a facelift again. I was done surviving and ready to start healing. But here’s what I didn’t know then: healing is a whole different level of exhaustion. It’s hard work. Really hard work.

My website was beautiful. My cookbook was starting to look amazing. And yet… I stalled.

I felt like I was pushing too hard to get everything off and running. Creating consistent content felt overwhelming. I was splitting my time between two homes, raising teenagers who had experienced divorce, working full time, running a business, diving deep into spiritual community and church, helping care for my mom who has dementia… And still, there was this desire in my heart to grow something else.

But how could I possibly carve out time for one more thing?

THE MOMENT EVERYTHING SHIFTED

Then something happened. I don’t know exactly how, but a switch flipped.

I started to see things clearly. I felt a nudge to finally take action on long-held dreams, and I just… stepped out into obedience. I started planning my first women’s retreat, and since then, it’s been difficult to turn off the creativity and ideas. I don’t feel stalled anymore. I don’t feel like I have to push so hard to make things happen.

It just flows.

THE REALIZATION: I WAS STUCK IN GRIEF

Here’s what I just realized: I think I was stuck in grief and didn’t even know it.

The dream of a Pioneer Woman-like family was dead. But it was always dead—I just hid it well and kept pretending everything was what I wanted it to be. A family together. A picture-perfect life worth blogging about.

So I’m done pretending.

I don’t have this picture-perfect family. I have a messy, unconventional family situation. I still have the hearts of loved ones to protect, so I won’t get into those details anytime soon. (You’ll have to wait for the book!)

But I think that was it. Facing the reality that my “family” dream was dead. And asking myself: who am I really and what would I write about if that dream was not my reality?

Splitting time with my kids has been one of the most difficult things I’ve experienced. So, how could I talk about being this mom who had it all together? I couldn’t. Because I didn’t, and I don’t.

WHAT I DO KNOW NOW

What I do know is that God has called me to recover and heal from surviving domestic violence and trying to raise kids in the mess and ashes. And now that I’ve been on the recovery and healing journey for a while, He’s calling me to help other women through difficult things.

He’s calling me to help give them hope. Purpose. Joy.

To carve out time and space in the midst of daily messes—or even in the midst of pain and suffering—to soak in the presence of God. To sit in His love and, in return, to love Him. To embrace healing. To step into who God has created us to be. To develop real community and serve others together.

We don’t have to be put together to do any of this.

THIS ISN’T ABOUT PICTURE-PERFECT LIVING

Here’s what I need you to understand about this platform, about what I’m building: it’s not about an idealistic, picture-perfect life. It’s not about perfect motherhood or a perfect family.

It’s real life. Raw and vulnerable. But, also refreshing and hope-filled.

Because those picture-perfect lives on social media? They left me feeling less-than. Like a failure in my marriage and family. I scrolled past beautiful homesteads and homeschool moms with their perfect routines, their matching outfits, their seemingly effortless balance of it all and couldn’t help compare my failures to their ideal lives. 

And I felt like I was drowning.

I didn’t live on a homestead. I didn’t homeschool my kids. I had to work full time—I had to carry the weight of breadwinner, mom, and wife with little to no support. The meals weren’t always homemade from scratch. The house wasn’t always clean. The kids weren’t always well-behaved. There was hurt and dysfunction in my marriage and family.

And I felt so alone.

I wasn’t seeing a life like mine on social media. I wasn’t seeing women who were barely holding it together, who were working full time while trying to keep their families afloat, who were surviving dysfunction and pain behind closed doors.

Where were the women who were exhausted? The ones who didn’t have it all figured out? The ones whose marriages were falling apart despite their best efforts? The ones who felt like failures because they couldn’t measure up to the impossible standards they saw online?

That’s what this platform is about. This is for the woman who’s in the trenches. The one who’s working full time not because she wants to, but because she has to. The one who’s carrying more weight than anyone should have to carry. The one who feels alone in her struggles.

This is real life—messy, imperfect, and sometimes really hard. But it’s also where God shows up. It’s where hope breaks through. It’s where healing happens, not despite the mess, but right in the middle of it.

IMPORTANT NOTE: ABOUT FEELINGS OF “FAILURE”

When I write about feelings of failure, those feelings are about the dream of marriage and family and motherhood – the picture I had in my head that didn’t match my reality. I want to be very clear: when there is abuse or domestic violence in a marriage or relationship, the victim is not the party to be blamed.

I do not own the cause or the effects of abuse, nor should anyone else.

If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship (it may be helpful for you to look up the definition of domestic violence – if you’re questioning this, chances are, you’ve been minimizing abusive behaviors), please call 800-799-SAFE (7233).

Talk to someone. Get support. Develop a safety plan. And leave.

You are not responsible for someone else’s choice to abuse you. You are not a failure for being in an abusive relationship. The only failure belongs to the person who chooses violence, manipulation, or control over love, respect, and mutuality.

HEALING IS NOT LINEAR

Healing is not a straight line. We trip and may fall, but the important part is getting up and keeping going. One day at a time.

I was stuck in grief, not sure how to progress or where to go from there. But God knew all along.

I’m so thankful His plans for me are good. I’m thankful He redeems broken and painful messes. It still hurts. It’s still difficult. It’s still messy.

But as I keep my eyes on Him, I can see the beauty in the mess. I can see purpose and hope. And I’ve started to experience peace and joy that I’ve never known before.

I’ve weathered a lot of storms, and because I’m anchored in Him, I’m no longer easily shaken.

IF YOU’RE STUCK IN GRIEF RIGHT NOW

Maybe you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in my story. Maybe you’re stuck in grief over a dream that died—a marriage, a family, a version of yourself you thought you’d become. Maybe you’re surviving something that’s too painful to name, too embarrassing to share.

I want you to know: you’re not alone. And there is hope on the other side of facing the truth.

God doesn’t need you to have it all together. He doesn’t need your life to look picture-perfect before He can use you. He meets you in the mess, in the ashes, in the grief you didn’t even know you were carrying.

And when you’re ready—when that switch flips and you can finally see clearly—He’ll show you that He’s been there all along, working everything for your good.

You don’t have to stay stuck.

If you’re on your own healing journey and need a community of women who understand, I’d love to have you join me. [https://substack.com/@flannelsandpearls] Together, we’re learning to find rest, renewal, and hope—even in the midst of the mess.

Because healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in community, in God’s presence, and one brave step at a time.

**Do you need a faith refresher? I have just the thing for you!! A spring retreat in the beautiful, warm desert! Registration link is here: https://tally.so/r/VLEK5a